The decision seems to be between (attempt to) ‘Do’ or ‘Don’t do’ a PhD. That’s at least the real-world gating action that i need to complete. The more precise question i need to answer is “do i want to do a PhD”.
Part of this major struggle is that I am expecting a feeling or urge comparable to the magnitude of the decision. It’s something that will radically alter my life - and I expect to feel proportionately strong about the decision I am making. I don’t think this expectation is well-founded. A comparable life decision, possibly with even more magnitude (just as a result of the butterfly effect), was choosing where to do undergraduate. The decision to do undergraduate at all was kind of ‘made for me’. My parents convinced me it was a really good idea, most of my friends were doing it, it was a fairly obvious decision. But the selection of where. I felt significant angst, I remember that much, but in the end I don’t think I was initially that excited about Northeastern. I mostly felt crushed that I didn’t make it into other schools like University of Southern California or University of Michigan.
What does that feeling of being crushed about my undergraduate decision say about my prospective decision on continuing my education? It means I was not well calibrated to make that decision at the time. I couldn’t consider all of the joys and triumphs and satisfaction I would get out of those years in college.
The good
- I am attracted by this idea of gaining prestige and capability to operate independently.
- It feels like an extraordinary challenge that I can take pride in for the rest of my life.
- It feels fitting that my formal education is not yet finished, that there is still more to learn and do outside of the confines of industrial ‘know-how’.
- It feels exciting to at least try at something uncommon and unique, set yourself apart from the hordes of mediocrity.
- It feels more virtuous to pursue something that isn’t just about acquiring wealth
The bad
- I am dissuaded by the idea of being worse off financially for having put in more effort.
- I worry that I am simply not intelligent, creative, or motivated enough to finish it.
- I am afraid of failing at it.
- I am anxious that it will be very uncomfortable, and will require material sacrifices that my peers do not have to make.
- I am worried I will specialize in something I come to loathe, something I will be bound to the rest of my life.
| Component | Weight | Do | Don’t | Do | Don’t |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Financial | 8 | 5 | 10 | ||
| Failure | 7 | 8 | 10 | ||
| Hardship | 5 | 5 | 10 | ||
| Trapped | 7 | 6 | 10 | ||
| Fulfillment | 10 | 10 | 4 | ||
| Prestige | 3 | 10 | 5 | ||
| Stimulation | 6 | 10 | 5 | ||
| FOMO* | 4 | ? | ? | ||
| Virtue | 5 | 10 | 7 | ||
| Total | 476 | 460 |